3-6 Months
Today, we live in an unprecedented communicative society so why don’t mothers tell women who will become mothers what to expect? Why do many of us still feel so unknowing with our own newborns?
Many of us discover after giving birth that becoming a mother involves a whole new way of being. Very little that we were good at in the work world can be transferred to the world of mothering. Those very abilities, which were valued at work, can feel useless when we’re caring for our needy infant. Time takes on a completely different meaning when a mother loves her infant. It may take her a while to realize what a responsibility she has undertaken. There is never any real time off – day, evening and night, week and weekend, even on holidays or her own birthday, she continues to be a mother. Even when someone gives her a break she never stops thinking about her baby, always feeling responsible. At work, a woman’s day is punctuated by clock time. But a breastfeeding mother responds to her baby’s hunger around the clock. A mother who decides that she wants to fit in with her baby needs, rather than forcing a schedule, can easily feel as if she’s being pushed around or manipulated. She may alternate between moments of feeling proud of being a good mother with moments of feeling confused and doubtful about her choices. No woman learns to become a mother overnight. It involves major changes to our identities. We do it in steps, over years, rather than weeks or months. It can be exciting one moment but too difficult the next, when we long to return to our familiar working identities. What startles mothers most is the unexpected strength of their love for their babies, creating doubt and confusion about returning to their employment.
Women who have become mothers find it hard to explain to their non-mother friends that they may look like their old selves, but they feel very different. Becoming a mother is one of the major transformations in our unfolding identities as women. A mother’s ripening beauty is part of this process. It is completely genuine. Mothers do not necessarily feel beautiful, yet they reveal a different kind of beauty. Mothers can look incredibly tender and warm, gentle, and intensely alive, exuding feminine strength.
The relationship between a mother and her partner is also changing. Breastfeeding gives a completely new dimension to their relationship. Both may feel they have lost the intimacy they used to have. However, the exuberance of their breastfed baby demonstrates the result of their love, and usually deepens it. After some months, the baby becomes able to express his love for his mother, which is completely unconditional. A woman may never have received such generous love before. If she has been brought up by critical parents, the love of her baby can be a profoundly healing experience.