CincyBabies

I wrote the post below when I was about halfway through my pregnancy. Since then, I have become absolutely persuaded about the value of certain pregnancy, birth, feeding, and parenting choices–so much so that I almost find myself unable to understand where anyone who disagrees with me is coming from. It was helpful for me to step back and read this post, written by my less judge-y self, and to remember that I don’t advance the conversation if I’m defensive or dogmatic. Instead, I need to listen and encourage and share, honestly and earnestly and without judgment. Now…if I can just figure out how to do that…

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An old friend and a great encourager of my writing sent me a message a few weeks ago entitled “motherblogger.” Having learned about my pregnancy, he suggested that motherhood would open up a world of possibilities for blogging. And I absolutely loved the title and couldn’t wait to get started. I’d write about pregnancy! All of it! I’d be so open and honest and it would be this fantastic outlet…

And then…

I quickly learned that the waters of motherblogging, and motherspeaking, and mothertelepathy, if it exists, are treacherous. In my five short months of carrying a child, I have found that topics related to pregnancy and birth and parenting spark controversies so divisive that you often have to run for cover.

Say, for example, that your goal is not to have an epidural. If you express that thought aloud, you have just deeply insulted every woman who ever chose drugs. Don’t even think about mentioning formula to a breast-feeder, cloth diapers to a woman who loves pampers. If you use the term “natural childbirth” in front of a c-section-scheduler–them’s fightin’ words.

Men don’t seem to have this issue, at least in my experience. If I say to a dad, “I’d like to do a natural birth,” however the dad’s wife gave or plans to give birth, he usually just says, “oh great.” And then he turns to my husband with a look that says, “Dude. Good luck with that.” Which is totally fine since there is usually a moment during our birthing class when I look at my husband and say, “Dude. Good luck with this.”

A friend summarized the problem among women much better than I can: it’s as if motherhood is so personal and profound, every woman has a stake in having her choices validated by other women. This stake…no, I’m going to go ahead and capitalize it!…this Stake makes it almost impossible to have a dialogue among women with different opinions about what might be the ideal experience.

I now realize that the Stake exists among women in areas unrelated to motherhood. With many women, it starts early and manifests itself viciously. Dress like me or you’re beneath me. Choose my college or you must not be a true friend. Follow the path I’ve taken at work or incur my wrath. Idolize me, or I can only assume that you secretly spend your time plotting my destruction. I’m not going to get into why I think the Stake exists and why it’s a dominating force in some women and conspicuously absent in others. The internet might not be big enough to have that discussion. I’m just acknowledging that the Stake is alive and well and shutting down productive conversations everywhere.

Even though it exists in other contexts, I think that something about the experience of motherhood magnifies the Stake. The motherhood Stake imposes all kinds of guilt. If you question anything that anyone ever has characterized as a “safety” issue, you are shamed. Do a google search like “how serious is listeria?” and the results page opens up like a giant mouth screaming “I hope that turkey sandwich was worth killing your child for!” More than one person has commented on my decision to continue coloring my hair during pregnancy because that is still so taboo (and I think someone just judged me! I felt it! But, hey, I’m a pioneer for highlights). Suggest that you are planning to eat during labor and you are quickly reminded that’s “against the rules.” In my experience, which is admittedly limited and short, I have found that pregnancy is innately accompanied by a certain amount of anxiety, and then you throw on the expectations of the women around you–all of whom suddenly seem to have MDs and megaphones–and you need to breathe in a bag if you’re even near a caffeinated beverage.

I have found the force of the Stake to be absolutely paralyzing. I’ve tried a million times to write something real about my pregnancy or my feelings about birth or my fears about actually parenting a child. I’ve ended up scrapping the drafts, content to stick with less divisive subjects, like politics and religion. Somewhere along the way, I figured it best to give up on putting myself out there in the universe as a voice for, well, anything related to having a child.

But then, wait one motherblogging minute.

It just seems wrong to succumb to and be silenced by the Stake. I have encountered very few issues in my life that could be solved by less communication. So, I guess my suggestion is that we all just acknowledge and accept the Stake. Isn’t it better for a c-section-scheduler and a natural-birther to be able to sit together over coffee and say, “this is my choice and that was yours, and I hope it works out great for both of us”? Imagine a world where a woman can comfortably say, “yeah, I hated being a pregnant” to another woman who felt it was the most magical time of her life.

The truth seems to be that once I have this child, I will know more about having had this child. And on our child’s first birthday, I will know more about how our child’s first year went. But it’s so different for every woman and every child in every minute, and we’re all just doing the best we can. That’s what I want to write and read about on the internet. I don’t want to lecture or be lectured about the “right” way to do anything. I just want to share my attempts and to read about yours. And I want, in my motherblogging, to be able to acknowledge that because it’s all so different and crazy and imperfect, I don’t have a Stake in anyone else’s decisions.