My confession
I have pumping fatigue. My son was born in December, and I started pumping occasionally a month later. Then I started back to work, and the pumping really began—first three times a day, and now two. The same time, every weekday, like clockwork. I am lucky that I get to pump in my office; I have a lock on my door and a comfortable chair in which to sit. I have a view of the city from where I pump, and I can easily do my work as the machine clumsily does its work.
And I have pumping fatigue. I started noticing it a week or so ago. That I felt genuinely disappointed when I looked at the clock and realized that it was (again. already.) time to pump. I would stop what I was doing, hook up the contraption, and pump. Yes, it’s only 20 minutes. Yes, it’s a luxury that I can work full-time and still feed my child my milk.
And I still have pumping fatigue. I commented today, when talking to another pumping mother, that I feel like pumping is taking more out of me than just milk. It is weirdly emotionally draining. I sometimes feel sad when I start the machine back up, not because it hurts or because it’s difficult, but just because I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel this way even though I am lucky when it comes to pumping—I have an abundant supply that works well with my nice pump. Two times a day is all it takes to feed my child for the next day. I don’t have the struggle of wondering if all this pumping is still going to leave me short, or the anxiety of thinking that I might have to pump every hour in order to have enough.
So I decided that I’m going to push through this pumping fatigue. I searched online to see if anyone else had written about this issue, and I found one particularly unhelpful article. In response to someone saying that she didn’t want to breastfeed anymore because she just wanted their body back to herself, the website owner responded that she should realize that she “will have to give up lots of things because of the baby.” Is that supposed to be helpful? I think it’s okay to say outloud that you just want to have your body back, or that you are tired of pumping every single day of the week. I want to know that I’m not alone in how I feel. I want other mothers who feel the same way to acknowledge it, too.
Being the proud owner of pumping fatigue is like a badge of honor. I pump because I can. I pump because I think feeding my son breastmilk is one of the most important things I do. I want him to have the same nutritious meal regardless of whether I’m home or at work. I’m proud that my boy’s growth—all of it—since he was born is because of the milk my body produced and nothing else. I want to recognize the wonder of my body and how it works in perfect harmony with my baby. And I also want to be able to say to anyone who will listen that I am just so tired of pumping.